"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."